Why I’m Not Changing My Last Name (For Now)
“The shortest poem is a name.”
—Anne Micheals
When I got engaged in April 2024, I started planning an intimate wedding. We were married six months later in October 2024. Throughout the process, I had a long list of things to do, including deciding my last name.
The traditional and romantic part of me wanted to change my name, but something deeper told me not to.
It was a hard decision. Something that gave me a lot of peace was that it wasn’t permanent. I may change my mind, especially once we have children.
Here are a few reasons why I opted to keep my maiden name (for now):
Identity, age, and traditions
I didn’t meet my husband until I was 30. When I was younger, I probably would have quickly changed my name. Spending more years as “Kasia Manolas” made me solid in who I am. Everyone I’ve ever met knows me as “Kasia Manolas.” I’ve built a lot of things in my name.
Similarly, there were a few seasons of my life where I wondered if I wouldn’t marry. I’ve always wanted to be a wife, but when relationships ended or the dating options felt bleak, I considered what life would be like without marriage. When I considered the option of never marrying, never changing my last name, and never having a ring on my finger, it made me reflect on societal norms. Sometimes, the new last name is a status symbol. The ring on your finger is a status symbol. When you’re unmarried, it feels a certain way. I’ve felt that feeling. We all have. I never desired to reject marriage or family, but I contemplated rejecting the artificial parts. I liked the idea of making my own decisions apart from norms, and that came with age.
Photograph by Eleonore Deweyer
The paperwork
Planning a wedding is a lot of work and I wasn’t a typical bridal girlie. I strongly disliked the process. It felt like a ton of admin work that fell on my lap and no one else’s. It was intensely time-consuming. I delegated to my mom and Trace which helped a lot, but Trace was never in the position to change his name. The paperwork never fell on him, and part of me resented that I was expected to go through this process of not only changing my identity but taking on all the headaches that came with that. The idea of opting out felt really good.
I keep the book “Essentialism” near my desk as a reminder to filter my decisions through that framework. Was it essential to change my name? Nope. I could be a wife and mom, and still be exactly how I currently am.
Feels a bit like an experiment
My mom, sisters, and almost all of my friends have changed their names. I know what that path looks like. It’s initially a headache, but offers many benefits. The benefits are so alluring that I sometimes wonder if it might be a huge mistake to not change my name right away. It might just delay the paperwork headache until later. It might be super weird to not have the same last name as my children. I have no idea. I’d like to find out.
Knowing my husband is good with my decision either way
It felt really good to know that Trace supported my decision either way. Our children will be “Bauer” but we have even talked about their middle names all being “Manolas.” Who knows. I love that Trace is so open. It made me love him even more.
Finding out what my kids will think
One woman wrote in a blog, “Little kids have no idea what your name even is. To them, you’re just Mom.” Will they care when they’re older? I doubt they’ll care but I guess we’ll find out.
Two individuals
I like the idea of “Trace Bauer” and “Kasia Manolas.” We are two unique individuals with histories of our own. Keeping my last name feels like keeping part of me alive.
As much as I love tradition, family, and romance, I was scared to lose myself in it. Keeping my name is like this little promise to myself. Maybe it’s a bit of rebellion or defiance. Maybe it’s a bit of curiosity.
My career and public identity
I’ve been building this website for almost 10 years as “Kasia Manolas.” I’ve been an aspiring author for close to a decade, too. I’ve always pictured “Kasia Manolas” on my books. It feels like a tribute to my parents who gave me every opportunity under the sun. I want my parents to be represented in that because they deserve a lot of credit.
Trace and I discussed if I could be “Kasia Bauer” in my personal life and “Kasia Manolas” in my author career. I also considered being “Kasia Manolas Bauer.” Ultimately, the decision to keep “Kasia Manolas” came down to simplicity. If I can make something less complex, I’m going to go that route.
Photograph by Eleonore Deweyer
There is no right or wrong answer
It’s easy to wonder what people will think. Will they see my maiden name and assume I’m unmarried? Will they find out I’m married and think I’m a defiant feminist? Will they understand me fully? Probably not. It’s a complex decision.
Ultimately, I’m committed to building the Bauer family. Our house has a cute “B” welcome mat in front of it. Our Christmas cards are signed “The Bauers.” And yet, I’m Kasia Manolas. There is complexity either way.
I like the quote: “Everything is hard, so choose your hard.” Keeping my maiden name is the answer that feels right for now.
What did you choose to do?
